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[20 Apr 2010|04:55pm]
[ mood | i feel lost... ]

Don't say a word
The last one's still stinging
Back of my mind
I feel that phone ringing
And there is no way back from this

Everything hits at once
What we needs is just what we wants
I go to sleep but think that you're next to me
I go to sleep and think you're next to me

Don't make a move
When I walk out don't follow me
Out in the car
Can feel it calling me
And ooh...I would love to stay

But I can still change my mind tonight
I gotta change my mind somehow
I go to sleep alone but think that you're next to me
Everything hits at once
Outside is all lit up with ad lights
In traffic we become on the way back home
Part of something bigger than just on our own

I gotta change my mind tonight
I can still change my mind tonight
Merging in traffic cross the lanes and then we
Something bigger that just any one

Oh and everything hits at once
What we needs is just what we wants
I go to sleep but think that you're next to me
I go to sleep and think that you're next to me

get me out of here

You Are Here [05 May 2009|03:09pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Oh life. trying to figure it out...ALWAYS. is it really necessary for everything to be this constant struggle? Is it simply, by default, human existance? To be in a constant state of Trying...

It's hard to just stay still. I've been reading about a lot of different mental/spiritual ideas...ways of living and thinking. What I have really been focusing on is trying to be in the Now, in the present moment. Not dwelling on the past or the future (which are, after all, just concepts in our minds). Trying to really be conscious and aware. Aware of emotions, ego, reactions, At All Times. It's difficult. Us human beings are tricky, we have complex emotions and thoughts. Personally, I have emotions that are VERY complicated, and very often contradictory, Or just plain old hard to figure out. Half of the time, I don't understand Why I feel the way I do, or even exactly How I feel. And most of the time, whatever I am feeling, I am feeling very intensely. Normally I would sum all of this up into "i am crazy," but I'm trying to use actual descriptions.

Basically, I woke up this morning feeling kind of anxious and...i'm not sure how to explain it...disappointed? But by nothing in particular. It was just a "Blah" feeling of "Oh. Here I am again. This is life." I felt stagnant. I have felt this way MANY times.
So I try to tell myself that there is no reason to feel that way, and I know it. I know all about the ego, how our minds fuck themsleves over, how a little later on in the day I would probably feel fine...how I should just be in the moment, be content that I Exist.
But the feeling was still there.

Somehow I decided that posting a livejournal entry was the thing to do.

It seems to me that for centuries people have been trying to "figure out life" or find meaning for our existance...or find a way to be content and feel secure and happy. Is our constant struggle with living, trying to "make something" of life and enjoy it, an unavoidable condition? is the only way to really be at peace to become a zen master?

...the problem with writing an entry at work is that...hours later...i don't know how to complete my thought. the moment has passed. HA! let's be in the moment, right?

7 daydreamsget me out of here

autumn in the breeze [01 Oct 2008|03:39pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Jam last night. At first Thom and I had a lot of trouble finding the place, since we did not have a specific address. we knew sort of where it was, but not 100%. it was at a studio in Manhattan, called Smash. on W 36th street. it was cool...it's always a different mixture of people and this time was nice. A few people that i had never met, and a couple that i have. a bunch of older guys, too. As usual i was the only girl there. the other "regular" gal at Clutter jams (clutter is the "band name" that we adopted) Donna, was not there. She is pretty cool though, also older than me (I don't really know how old specifically these people are, and it doesn't matter much to me) and she usually just makes weird sounds with weird objects, rather than playing instruments. Anyway. It was neat. I hit some pots & pans...which is very therapeutic i think...and also like a fun game. i try to pick out different sub-rhythms and accent them. it helps when we have a very solid drummer, who in this case was a guy i had never met. i don't even know his name. it's funny how that works. come, play music, say "hey" to people and "that was cool" and then "goodnight." for the most part. Anyway, I had fun playing my rhythm games. it also always reaches a point where we start mixing up the pots & pans, tossing them and flipping them over, then eventually kind of throwing them around. in a pile though. it adds some crashing noises to the mix, heh. Also played a lot of bass. Fretless bass, which was sooo fun. I actually gave myself a blister. but again, solid drums help. actually at some point me and Thom had double bass action happening. it was fun. played some guitar too, got some compliments on this spacey delayed stuff i was doing. played flute too, which was hard to hear. the mic was low i think...or i just wasn't close enough to it, or in the right spot. it's hard to figure out where to position the mic with flute. i got it towards the end. got a lot of compliments on my flute playing too, although i felt it wasn't very good most of the time...this is since i know how well i can actually play if i try. so time flew, and i didn't even get to try my violin, which i recently got a pick-up for. this means: delayed violin, distorted violin, effects-all-over-the-place violin. YES.

am i boring y'all? i feel like i get into music nerdy mode and i realize that not everyone can appreciate it. also, ya had to be there. i'm talking about music, but you can't hear it, so it's a bit vague.

BUT this guy Joe recorded about an hour of it with his ipod. oh technology. anyway i hope to eventually get my hands on that, i'd like to have souvenirs of these jams once in a while.

2 daydreamsget me out of here

[03 Sep 2008|02:16pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

it's weird to realize that the last time i updated was only a couple of weeks ago. it feels like much much longer.

things have been much better since then. In general, and particularly with John. I realize that it probably seems to others that there's been a lot of drama and that maybe we're crazy for trying at this point. But that's really not true. I mean there has been a lot of drama, that part is true. it's hard to accurately explain. Really it's all been slightly misrepresented. I end up writing stuff on here when i'm pissed off or upset, but not when things are good. I'm not going to get into detail, but some really good communication has happened. And changes in action, on both our parts. He really surprised me, actually, with a couple of things. Realizing he was wrong about certain things and actively doing things differently. I've been really stopping myself to think too. I really do overreact so much more than i had ever realized.
But at the same time...for a while there he had me feeling like i'm the one that always does everything wrong, not him. Not that he would ever say that...he'd always say that he knew he wasn't perfect and whatnot. But i still FELT that way. Like everything was always my fault. And I knew that i couldn't always be wrong. it got to the point where i was really questioning the whole thing. So it was nice to have him actually realize that his own actions were sort of messed up and causing even more problems. and more importantly...he didn't just SAY stuff, but actually followed through and changed his actions!

So we've been really good. We understand each other sooo much at this point.

So i dunno what else is new. The summer is ending. I always put so much pressure on myself to make the most of summer, like it's this thing that needs to be amazing. It really flies by and isn't that different from the rest of the year. as far as work routines and laziness. it's like i imagine doing soo many things, much more than i do normally. but it doesn't happen that way. because i still just want to be lazy and relax a lot. So i'm not gonna bug out this time about the fact that i didn't go to the beach enough, or didn't go hiking, or to enough parties, or swimming enough or WHATEVER. i still did a little of all of this stuff, and it was good. i also did a lot of relaxing and that's fine.

i HAVE been pouring out lots of creative energy. That is something that i've been saying i wanted to do for so long. And i can say i actually have been writing songs and recording (a bit), painting a lot more, taking LOTS of pictures. it's good.

the question of the year is, will i ever go to grad school? I'm still leaning towards it and yet am really undecided. at this point if i do want to go i'm going to have to put a lot of energy into preparing to just apply. i forgot a lot of the shit i learned. and the audition thing. of course going back to hunter isn't my only option.

i think my problem is that my job really is not the most important thing to me. i'm not ambitious at all. about making money. and yet i want to make enough to live comfortably.

All i want to do is write music!!!!!!!!!!!!!why can't this be my career?

1 daydreamget me out of here

duality [16 Aug 2008|03:36pm]
[ mood | aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh ]

i am going out with 2 completely different people.

i am completely in Love with one of them.

and i totally fucking Hate the other one.

i always find myself saying, "Who the fuck are you?"

Astrology is Not Bullshit.

get me out of here

KEG PARRRRRTY!! [11 Aug 2008|01:06pm]

Yesterday i was dying, all day. I couldn't stop throwing up for a while. hours. it SUCKED. Saturday night i went to two parties. So i started drinking around 5:30...got home after 3. Keg beer tastes like nothing. it was like water after a while. Plus i didn't have my guardian angel (John<3) to watch over me. He was there but had to leave early to go to bed cause of work. i had the day off so i decided to stick around. If he had stayed I definitely wouldn't have drank as much. Mike Chan offered me a ride home. Later on, Mike was totally trashed. stumbling around, haha. so was i. I was hanging out with Megan aka MJ (she frequents the open mic and whatnot) and various others. This was a surprise party for Mike Gags from Paragraph. He was certainly surprised. his birthday was a week ago. It was fun though. Random conversation with random people. Tried some whiffle ball. not an actual game, just throwin and swingin. i was too drunk for this by the time i went for it. it was funny. Megan pitched and i tried to hit, then we switched. of course a bunch of guys were watching this. they cheered for us. i actually managed in my stumbling/laughing to hit the ball a couple of times. but i could NOT pitch. hah. someone mentioned to me that my boyfriend is a whiffle ball "legend." i'm so proud! hehe. So later on Megan tried to take Mike Chan's keys from him, he gave her his house keys. He ended up getting a ride from a friend. Megan drove me home. We saw some random freaky guy wandering the streets in his underwear right by my house. lovely! literally around the corner from my house. Good to know. i started feeling sick on the way home. passed out. yesterday was a struggle to feel better. then had dinner with john and my folks.

The first party was a Rustic Music/Exposure dance studio bbq. I'm going backwards here. It was pretty cool, i felt like the party was just gettin started around the time we were leaving to go to the other one though. a lot of people actually had work and got there late. we ate tasty food and drank beers. chatted about random crap with people. John got to meet my coworkers and others. This guy John (why is Everyone named John?), that has been working there since forever, had a little bottle of So Co to himself. he's a loud, jolly guy. always a hearty laugh, always friendly and joking around. it would've been fun to get drunk with him! this guy Ray who has also been working there since forever, was saying that he used to have crazy parties at his place every summer. i just remember him saying that they got "Crazy" multiple times. he may have them again soon. Two of the younger guys who are my age weren't around though. Scott and Matt. Also cool kids. Mostly older crowd, 30's or so. But my boss Christina is a very cool 30 year old. She's got 2 kids but she still seems young to me. I guess as you get older your perception of "old" changes. duh.

I'm debating which class to take in the fall at the dance studio. My boss is a co-owner of the place, so Rustic people get a discount. Last time it was hip-hop (ridiculous. a video tape of me doing this stuff does exist). I might go for Samba next time. or house. hip hop isn't really my thing, obviously. i just enjoyed it much more than i thought i would. the whole concept of matching your movements to the music is interesting to me. Hip-hop dance from a music geek perspective, haha.

so now i have to play some guitar. we are playing as a duo to open the Film night at Martini Red on Wed (10 pm if anyone can make it!). A last minute deal. We have not practiced in forever and i keep saying that we should. it's starting to annoy me. John has gotten sick of Canopy or something. he wants to experiment more and change it around. I'm pretty sure everyone else in the band is in agreement, so there's still no real reason why we have not practiced. bleh. For now i've been actually recording some solo stuff. i have about 2 new songs. wow 2. haha. better than nothin.
1 daydreamget me out of here

[08 Aug 2008|08:45pm]
sowed a broken blue ocean with old wire hands. found in vacant lots the lonely shells of flowered plans. outside there for nothing. wives and lovers in ageless sorrow. on now to the wasted rooms and gardens and stricken yards.

sight now changing. sorrow building. light now leaving. our lives ending
get me out of here

repeat repeat repeat repeat [08 Aug 2008|07:24pm]
[ mood | sick of myself ]

blah blah blah blah

1 daydreamget me out of here

same old shit? [07 Aug 2008|02:18pm]
OH the constant struggle between doing the things i want, working, and being lazy.

There must be balance.
time for all of these.
a little here, little there.
my work schedule gives me flexibility. but i'm too hard on myself. ALWAYS! I'm in a constant struggle with myself lately. Changing myself. it's a full time job. always trying to be aware of what i am doing, what i am feeling, what is really happening vs. how am i taking it because of personal experience and the differences between minds. I feel like no one has a mind like mine. At times, this feeling of being completely alone. no one will ever, Really, understand. does everyone feel this way? no one can enter your mind and completely understand you.
Lately I have succeeded.
I should give myself more credit. In small ways i have changed things. I've been more easy going. my main problem that i'm talking about here is oversensitivity. Lately i've been good at stopping and thinking. "wait. chill out. this isn't a big deal." Look at THE BIG PICTURE.
But it's really tough. i've been this way my whole life. to admit that i am unjustified, is a hard thing to do.

The other way that i am hard on myself is with all of my millions of hobbies. it's hard to take free time and use it in a productive way. Basically make myself work in my free time. Of course it's work that i enjoy. but there's always the feeling of laziness, lemme just relax a bit. this is MY time. and then i neglect things. then i get angry with myself. i play way too many instruments that i do not practice. i want to write. i want to write songs. i want to draw, paint, sculpt, create. sew. take photos. go for bike rides. yoga? swim. then on top of this there's trying to organize myself. clean my room. then there's people. hang out with people, call people, be a social person. i'm very strange because i need social interaction, but a part of me really leans towards being alone. plus add a boyfriend to all of this. and a band.

it feels like there's not enough time for everything, even though i know that there is.
but there must be time left over for relaxing laziness.

on another note, i play warcraft. go ahead and laugh at me! i love it. i'm not a crazy addict or anything. it's just fun. i'm a night elf druid. it's such a neat little fantasy world. John created a gnome mage, and we run around together and kill things. it's absurdly dorky. anyone who has played an RPG should be able to appreciate it. i like druids because they are connected to nature.

Balance balance balance. My rising sign is Libra. doesn't that mean i should be able to balance things? instead i just feel like it makes me indecisive.
3 daydreamsget me out of here

[15 Jul 2008|12:06pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

my friend
sits at the drum
his magic hand
feels nothing but time
nothing but time

my old friend
sits at the drum
his magic mind
doesn't feel anything
American flag is behind

if I could stand
to be less difficult

my new friend
plays drums all the time
her magic heart
feels everything

she plays the difficult parts and I play

she goes:

we go:

if I could stand to be less difficult

2 daydreamsget me out of here

[15 Jul 2008|12:03pm]
Don’t go out
Don’t blow out
Don’t smother me, lantern

Don’t reach out, Phil
Don’t extend
Don’t try to touch nothing

I’m afraid I’ll see you out on a date
And it’ll send me camping

Don’t steal my show
That lantern light
Not linger nowhere
Not on your life
Leave alone don’t try to hold nothing
Don’t answer the phone
Leave alone be a darkened figure
Sinking slow
Have your fort glow
Have your lit up lantern

How did you know to come over tonight?
Your blazing lamp was blinking up the sky

What’s that you hold and
Why is it so bright?
My heart of snow
Must leave alone
This blizzard white

What’s that you hold and
Why is it so bright?
When I walk away
I’ll leave a shade on your glowing doorway

What’s that I/you hold and why is it so bright?

You look good
In my light
But my life flame flickers
Leave alone
Let cold lakes lie
Let me end my light leave

I’ll hang it high
On antlers wide
Let bloom like sunrise

Let go of everything
get me out of here

Poseidon [14 Jul 2008|06:54am]
[ mood | dead ]

i always know where i am.
by the way the road looks.
the sea brings me back to you

get me out of here

[13 Jul 2008|12:37am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

a few sort of recent drawingsCollapse )

2 daydreamsget me out of here

[03 Jul 2008|01:29pm]
i learned to whistle recently. i haven't been able to my whole life. why i just decided i could make myself learn how to do it, i dunno. i'm definitely way too excited about this.

in other news, i got a saxophone! my very own. i got it from a coworker of mine, this kid Scott who teaches at Rustic. He has a better one and didn't need it. it's in very good shape...he's only played it a couple of times. it's a cheapish one but i don't care, it works and has a decent sound. i'm on my way to accumulating all instruments.
1 daydreamget me out of here

[29 Jun 2008|01:03pm]
so the other day i played a show by myself. i hate playing solo, it's terrifying to me. i think my awkwardness was very obvious. but at least people knew that if i messed up it was cause of being nervous. it went pretty well considering. john taped it, so maybe i'll watch that eventually and see what it looked like to others. the alley way shows in general are really cool. small space, small crowd, no mics or amps. nice and personal i guess. and yet not. Thom sets these up, it was a good idea.

here's another new song. probably called 'caves'
it's not really finalized, these are my rough draft lyrics.

going in circles
regret was a waste
time never collapsing
how could you have known
to face the wind
in a cave

in an instant there are sparks
slow reaction time
and somehow you knew
mistakes worth correcting

in caves
a decreased temperature
an inefficient blood flow
1 daydreamget me out of here

some lyrics [29 Jun 2008|12:57pm]
here's a new song. i don't really have a title for it. suggestions?

to absorb something separate
outside my orb
little glass globe
like stagnant water

an Incan temple
a mountain
a fresh word from the dead sea

I need an expansion
a path through a lost valley
some hidden structures
peering through foliage

I'll float in salt water
get me out of here

a big long rant-post, deleted. [17 Jun 2008|01:35pm]
[ mood | determined ]

i'm sick of complaining.

2 daydreamsget me out of here

on a positive note... [13 Jun 2008|01:29pm]
get me out of here

red nails to come [13 Jun 2008|01:05pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I am really excited about the Rock the Harbor thing. i think it will be good. of course the more i hype it up in my head the more likely i am to get nervous. it ain't no thang. just keep telling myself that. i'm a little scared that massive amounts of people will show up. but that's a good thing right?

i still can't seem to just sit down write songs. where does the time come from?

soon i have to post some pics, i have some good ones of nice outdoor places on SI. i have been trying to use my camera more. and other creative things. too many, toooooo maaaaany.

i am tired of having such a schizo relationship. maybe schizo isn't technically the right word. it's like 2 completely different situations. 2 completely different people. we get into these ridiculous fights where we both become totally irrational in completely different ways. there is no communicating when this happens. only drama and misery and anger. it's ABSURD because when things are good, they are amazing-good. i'm not even exaggerating. it's like opposite sides of the spectrum. it's not kind of OK and then kind of screwed up. It's completely amazing, or absolutely horrible. is this just my perspective because i'm a person of extremes?
Maybe this IS an exaggeration. i can't tell with myself anymore.

or maybe he really is like 2 different people. the gemini and his evil twin.

the joke is that we fight about stupid shit that isn't that important. but it Becomes a big deal because of all the miscommunication and misunderstandings and other crap that follows.
how the hell do i stop this from happening?

sometimes the shit he says to me when we fight makes me think "wow, i really cannot be with this person"
and then we make up and i think "i couldn't be with anyone else"

this is my life...nothing easy or sensible. always.
if i end up getting screwed over again i am going to become a hermit.
i can't keep getting so emotionally involved and have it go on for so long, just to lose in the end. it takes me way too long to get over things.

some serious communication needs to happen

1 daydreamget me out of here

can you still feel the butterflies? [20 May 2008|02:43pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Rainy day. sitting at Rustic. I wonder what i should eat. mexican?

I need to focus on music in my life more. it's a continuous process that has been going on forever. trying to do more of it. canopy sort of took over for a while. which is all good. but i want to keep writing my own songs. writing guitar parts is only a part of the energy i need to release! i CAN write loads of songs, it is sort of easy. what makes it Not easy is my tendency to be a perfectionist. or just have standards that are too high, too critical. i'm picky about music being "cheesy." Or wanting it to be totally unique. it's lame. i'm going to record some stuff i think, and finish some things that have been lying around for a while. play around with my DX7 more. it needs to be done!
On the Canopy side, i'm excited about our new bass player, Matt. he's a friend of John's. i like him, he's a very nice kid, intelligent, and has good music taste. he's into stuff like yoga. and arcade fire, radiohead, animal collective. not to mention that he's awesome at bass. he's almost definitely going to be in the band. we're practicing tomorrow, so i guess after that we'll all decide officially. i can't wait to see what our songs will sound like with fresh influence. not that i have anything against Tim or his bass lines. but having a new member gives us a feeling of renewal in general. it feels like now we have an excuse to go back and change songs around, do whatever we want. change it all! we're like a whole new band, whooooa.

Reading about Pluto...the planet (or non-planet if you want to go there) that rules over Scorpio. It's supposed to be the planet of Death and Rebirth, and regeneration:

"Pluto symbolizes death, rebirth, sex, evolution, degeneration and regeneration, and symbolizes the breakdown of psychological blocks that prevent evolutionary growth. It is the higher octave of Mars, where it represents the conscious self-knowledge and self-mastery of the magician and alchemist standing above brute force and physical prowess; and it is also the fabulous and elusive Phoenix bird. Pluto rules the sign Scorpio in which initially/esoterically it symbolizes mastery of the emotions through the use of the will, and finally/esoterically it represents transcendence through consciousness of the ego-identified self. This is the true and liberating death of the self born here to earth."

not only is Scorpio ruled by Pluto...but in my birth chart Pluto is in Scorpio. WHOA

this is why i'm supposed to be psychic, right?

get me out of here

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